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9 June 2012 (3 years ago)

June 9, 2012

Hydrangeas in Kaisei town, photo taken in June 2009 | 開成町あじさい祭りにて、2009年6月撮影

On this hot quiet day in June 2012,
I found myself wondering what I was doing a year ago.
Or even two, three years ago today.

I was shocked to see
that only three years ago in 2009,
I was still in Japan.

I found the photos both Yuval and I took
of our trip out to the outskirts of Tokyo
to an Ajisai (hydrangeas) festival with a few friends.

I couldn’t believe that was only three years ago.
It feels like a different lifetime.

It also made me realize I’ve only known Yuval for nearly four years.
That’s also unbelievable to me.
These four years have been filled to the brim.
I feel like we’ve been through so, so much.
And yet… only four years.
That’s what it feels like. Only four years.

It may also have to do with the fact
that time has slowed down since I arrived in Israel.
Each day is heavy. Not easy.
Even if in terms of content
I feel I accomplish much less
than what I used to in Tokyo.
It’s a different lifestyle.
It’s a different life.
And each day, even though the hours feel like they fly by sometimes
in the end they weigh me down.

I wonder
how I will look back at this time
three year later?

暑さと静けさに包まれた6月の今日、ふと
1年前何をしていたんだろう、
2、3年前はどこにいたのだろう、
と思う自分がいた。

写真を1、2、3年前とたどってみると、
3年前の2009年にはまだ日本にいたことに
びっくりした。

友達数人と一緒に行ったあじさい祭りを
ユバルとカメラを取り合いっこしながら
おさめた写真がでてきた。

あれが3年前だったなんて信じられない。
とても遠い過去のように感じる。

もう一つ気付いたのは
ユバルと出逢ってから4年近くしかたってないこと。
これはもっと信じられない。
一日一日はそう感じなくても
こうやって振り返ってみると
とても満タンな4年間だったように感じる。
本当に色々あったけど、
年数はたったの4年。

これはイスラエルに来てから
時間が過ぎるペースがかなりゆっくりになったのもあると思う。
こっちでは一日一日が重い。
日本の生活にはなかった厳しさがある。
内容的には東京にいたころに比べて
こなすことやすることがかなり少なく感じるとしても。
違うライフスタイル。
違う人生。
去って行く日々の中に時間があっと言う間に過ぎたと感じる日が時々あっても
最終的には毎日、重さが残る。

3年後は
今日をどのように振り返るのだろう?

Much love,
Kaori

7 Comments leave one →
  1. June 9, 2012 11:05 pm

    I feel and know so much about the things you mention here…. it is so beautiful, how you described it. I loved reading it very much. Know that you are not alone in feelings such as these…. I’m glad someone out there echos my thoughts about the life I’ve chose, because sometimes you feel pretty lonely and don’t think that these lines of thinking are shared by others that have made a similar journey. It is amazing here, we both know… but sometimes in the spaces between moments, I find myself wondering sometimes….

    • June 10, 2012 5:00 pm

      Hi Kaie,
      I hesitated for a moment whether to post this or not… but am so glad that I did! Both your and Katie’s responses mean a lot to me, making me realize I’m not alone in my feelings. It’s not always an easy place to be here, is it?

  2. June 10, 2012 2:13 am

    What a lovely picture. あじさい never look as beautiful outside Japan, though I love them just the same! Looking back on living in Israel now, the difficulty feels very distant already (it’s only been 8 months, but the time has gone by SO FAST in comparison to living there). In time I hope I’ll feel nostalgic, but it will probably take a few years of having a happy, balanced life before that can happen.

    • June 10, 2012 5:05 pm

      I echo your thoughts about the Ajisai, I don’t know whether it’s the backdrop of Japan that brings out their beauty or they just really thrive in Japan’s climate, but I also have yet to find Hydrangeas that look prettier than the ones in Japan.
      As I wrote in my response to Kaie’s comment, it’s really heartwarming for me to know I am not the only one experiencing difficulties here!

  3. June 27, 2012 7:23 pm

    You are certainly not alone! I love how you have captured the feeling of being here – it’s certainly not easy and yes, each day is heavy – a stark contrast to the lightness of everyone and everything else around. Is it worth it – that is a question that pops up from time to time without warning. If I’m not careful, the day can be ruined by a thought like that.. I guess the good thing to know is that if it’s so difficult now, maybe the only way for it to go is to become easier? hugs, xoxo.

    • June 27, 2012 8:31 pm

      Thank you so much for this blackbirde! I have totally ruined days with similar thoughts as yours as much as I didn’t want to… it’s a bummer for myself as well as for my partner Yuval, but some days it’s simply just hard.
      Please know that I am here if you ever need anyone to talk to! It means a lot to me that you let me know I am not alone in this.

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  1. Hydrangeas in Japan vs. elsewhere « From 外人 to גוי

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